Tuesday, January 26, 2010


Jairo slowly trudged through the dark, damp swamp. His boots squished in the soft mud under the putrid water. "So, what's the deal with this place?" Jairo spoke over his throat mic that was transmitting to Austen who was back at the army base. Jairo was the squad commander of Troop 42. He had been waiting to be a commander in his squad since his brother had passed away who led the squad. He was a very tenacious man with a strong heart and clear goals. His squad consisted of Jon, who had been a very good friend of his from his childhood which had joined him in his ranks in armed services. Jasmine, a garrulous woman that had also served in his ranks whom was also very genial and also fastidious , and Richard, whom was another member of the armed services in which they appointed him to join the squad without Jairo’s consent. and Austen as the lead tactics advisor along with Kaitlin as his co-partner, but she never serviced for much. They were on the planet Saritum in the year 3015, the government sent an order to try their best to make Saritum be able to be colonized.

Jairo, Jon, Jasmine and Richard were sent on a mission to find the captured Sergeant, Charles, that was reported MIA and all of his other troop members had been found dead. They all stood still in the dense mist of the swamp land. They had heard the howling of a beast that sounding close to a banshee and a wolf.

"Seems just like a large strip of swamp land for the most part, except farther north there is something that resembles a primitive village. Maybe that's where Charlie is located," Austen spoke back as he clicked away on his computer. "I'll keep you filled in if I find anything interesting."

"Roger," Jairo spoke back nodding to himself clicking off his throat mic, shutting off his end of the transmission, and throwing a signal at his squad, commanding his squoad to move forward with caution. They kept through the swamp land, making the least amount of noise as possible, keeping an eye out for any personnel or traps.

"Jairo stop!" Richard shouted abruptly killing the silence. Jairo stopped dead in his tracks then surveyed his surroundings though his visor.

"I don't see anything.." Jairo responded. Richard lifted a trembling finger pointing towards the water. "Move y- your visor. " Richard managed to speak out. Jairo moved his visor and squinted into the water. There was a very thin wire that spread from two plants and a large spike in the water, with a green-ish hue at the point. Jairo took a few steps backwards and looked around him. He noticed Jon still had his Gatling gun raised and signaled him to lower it.

"You've always had a keen eye." Jairo spoke towards Richard smiling. "'Can you disarm it?"

"Of course," Richard responded confidently tossing his rifle towards Jasmine. She caught it one handed by her own side arm, and watched Richard as he moved towards the left end of the wire where it had been tied onto a plant. He reached for the wire and he placed his hand onto where it was tied. The moment his fingers grazed the wire, extemporaneously two blades shot up from both sides in which the wires were tied, and one of the blades impaled him directly into the heel, shooting through the top of his knee. Richard let out a loud yelp of pain and Jasmine passed her guns to Jairo and ran over to aid him. Jon tossed his gun of his shoulder and walked over and helped Jasmine pull Richard off the blade. Jasmine tended to his wounds then stood up.

"You gonna' be alright?" Jasmine said wearily as she examined the blade for any poison.

"Yeah I'll live, its just a flesh wound," Richard said and chuckled. Jasmine smiled back and blew Richard a kiss then went back to get her gun and Jairo passed Richard's gun back to him. Jairo balled up his hand into a fist and gritted his teeth. He had always had feelings for Jasmine, but he couldn't let romance come in the way of his ordeals.

"Austen, come in,"' Jairo spoke softly, turning his throat microphone back on.

"yes, I'm here and I have some Intel for you. I've seen movement around the area of the village, but pretty much nothing else since I can't tell what's going on in the swamp since the mist is so dense. Anything new with you guys?" Austen spoke back.

"Yes. Richard had been hit by a trap, but Jasmine tended to his wounds. I think those monsters were expecting visitors, and they aren't very fond of them either. Keep an eye out if anything new arises. Out," Jairo spoke back and ended the transmission.

They all crept around the trap, still moving due North towards the village, trying to keep an eye out for any possible traps. Everybody halted as they heard a giant splash in the near distance, all of them lifted their guns gazing into the dense mist, trying to catch an image of any creatures. Suddenly, a beast plunged through the mist and cleaved through Jairo's suit. He toppled over and raised his guns and blasted a few shots into the creatures face, Jon firing upon the creature in just massive over-kill and the beast toppled over in immense pain and died. Jairo got up with Jasmine's help and she examined his chest since the beasts claw's had cut into his skin. Jasmine patched him up and stared into his eyes.

" I can't really do much about the suit, and I also can't tell what the out come will be of the creature piercing skin. We'll have to find out later, " Jasmine spoke to him with worried eyes. Jairo glanced back and nodded his head and ordered everybody to continue on. The beast that had attacked Jairo was very large, about 6 feet in height. It had thick black fur and large fangs shooting upwards. It's claws were about 6 inches in length, and sharp enough to kill a man. It's eyes had a nice black and red tint.

"There's probably going to be a lot more monsters like that, " Jairo said to his troop, then clicked on his throat microphone and explained to Austen what the situation was.

"Ah, keep your microphone on then, just in the case that something were to happen," Austen replied. Jairo knew Austen was talking about if they were to die, but he knew he was just putting it subtly.

They arrived at the village which had been outside of the swamp area with the dense mist. Jairo needed to remind himself why they were there, to rescue Sergeant Charles. They needed to find him, or at least tag him as dead. Everybody moved their visors over they're eyes and raised their guns, prepared for the worst.

They crept towards the first building in the village. Breathing softly, Jairo slowly pushed the door open, examining the insides of the building. He moved forward and looked at the door, setting his visor on heat detection. There were 3 bodies on the other side of the door.

"He's in here I think," Jairo spoke quietly as they heard the small howl as they did the last time. "On 3, we storm in. 1...2...3!" Jairo spoke and booted the door down. Jon mowed both of the beasts down before they even had much time to react and Jasmine rushed over to Charles as Jairo, Jon and Richard inspected the rest of the house for any other monsters. Charles had many gashes throughout his face, with clothing torn and he was unconscious. Jasmine patched him up and made sure the bleeding stopped. Everybody returned to Charlie and Jairo picked him up and carried him on his shoulders.

"Austen, we have found Charles, Jasmine patched him up but he is currently unconscious, we're gonna need some evac, " Jairo spoke into his throat mic transmitting to Austen. There was no response..


  1. I. The conflict of the story is that Charles has gone missing and they need to find them. They finding him resolved it.
    II. Jasmine goes from professional to caring, flirty and kind. It’s important because she needs to mend their cuts.
    III. I liked the end and how it leaves you wanting to know more. “"Austen, we have found Charles, Jasmine patched him up but he is currently unconscious, we're gonna need some evac, " Jairo spoke into his throat mic transmitting to Austen. There was no response..”
    IV. I thin this tales best quality was the description and word choice. I felt like I could be in the story for real.
    V. The stories theme is confidence. Jon, Richard, jasmine, and Jairo all had confidence to go find Charles.
    VI. The main thing the author needs to do it reread and fix punctuation. Like double periods and other stuff.
    good job!

  2. 1. The conflict of the story is that Seargeant Charles has gone missing and Jairo's troop must find them. The problem was external. It was resolved by finding him.
    2. The character didnt change much over the time of the story.
    3. My facorite part of the story was when the first monster appeared and attacked them."Suddenly, a beast plunged through the mist and cleaved through Jairo's suit." This sentence just stood out to me. I really liked the words he used.
    4. The tales best quality was the writing style. I liked how the story developed.
    5. The theme was to leave no man behind. They were always patching people up and going and risking their lives for Charles.
    6. One thing to revise in this story is just small spelling errors.

  3. the conflict of the story was the squad trying to find charles. they have to fight monsters and save the squad
    the charecter didnt really change throuighout.
    my favorite part was when they barged into the place where charles was being held. it was a great climax
    the story was really good. it was the storys best part.
    the theme was leave no man behind.
    you need to fix yoou spelling, the names were kinda silly. dont use yours, it makes it less beliveable

  4. The conflict of the story is that someone is missing and that they need to find him. It is external conflict. It was resolved by the group finding the missing person. I always invested in the story’s resolution. It could have been more dramatic if there was a yelling or screaming as Jairo calls Austen and Austen doesn’t response back.

    The protagonist changes very little. The change is not important to the story and wouldn’t change the story if the character didn’t change.

    My favorite part of the story is when Richard gets stabbed by the blade set in the trap. It occurred in the rising action. "Yeah I'll live, its just a flesh wound," Richard said and chuckled.” is my favorite line. It is my favorite line is because I love the movie Monty Python where that line was said.

    The tale’s best quality is description of the actions they did. Jairo put in many details to describe what the characters are doing throughout the tale.

    The main things Jairo needs to did it gets graded is to fix grammatical errors. Most of the story is written great but some wording is wrong.