Sunday, September 13, 2009

The Saving

Becca sat down at her desk and inhaled deeply, tossing the contents of the box across the table, then assorting them back into their own piles. She took slow breathes and examined the pictures and the other documents very closely. She slowly peered out the window and saw a large woman tugging on a young boy’s arm. His clothes were very torn and looked like they haven’t been washed in ages. The boy had pleading eyes and messy hair and stared straight into the window and Becca’s and the boy’s eyes met in a stare that seemed like it lasted ages. The gazing was broken as the boy was thrown 5 feet forward onto his face by the large woman. Suddenly broken from her concentration, she jumped up from her chair and ran outside to see if the boy was okay. She sprint onto the side with her window and saw no sight of the boy and the woman. Disappointed, she ambled back her office to work on the story with her grandmother.
What have I dragged my self into this time, thought the boy as he was being thrashed by his mother sensuously. The mother was thrashing the boy because the school principal had call to tell her that they had caught him stealing sweets from other students. He didn’t say a word as his mother as she beat him because he knew it would just end up crossing against him. One of the only things on his mind was the woman at the printing company. He knew she wanted to help him, that’s why he wanted to go back there as much as he could. If he could, he could sneak out of the school, or his own house to get to that woman.
Becca sat nervously at her desk remembering the cut and bruised face of the little boy. She felt sympathetic for the boy for the fact that he had been tossed around and looked like he was mistreated and especially malnourished. Her hands were trembling as she argued in her own mind over which to pursue first, the history of her grandmother, or to aid the little boy from what looked like an abusive mother. She discussed with herself back and forth what was more important, and she finally agreed upon that she would try her best to see if she could aid the little boy as quick as possible and then to uncover the past of the grandmother.
The next day, the boy, David, instead of taking his normal route to school, he thought of the quickest way back to the printing company where he had found Becca. He tried his best and sprinting down many different streets before standing directly in front of the door to the building. He thought immensely to try to remember which window he found Becca the other evening. His eyes wide, he remembered which window it was and sped right to that same window. Struck with great sadness, all he could see was a light inside an office and the desk in which Becca sat, was completely empty of anything that could have left a trace of her. Maybe she’s in that office talking with her boss, David thought. He waited patiently, knowing his time was running thin before people would start to become suspicious about his absence. In time, all he saw was a woman he had never seen before, and he dragged his head down and an idea popped into his mind. He could walk into the building and ask if he could see that woman. The shoved his face into his palm and shook his head at his idea. He didn’t even know the name of this woman, how could he possibly ask for her? He started into the window, and to his intent, there she was, Becca, walking right back to her desk. He jumped up into the air and tapped on the window, not too light, but loud enough to be heard. Becca eyes quickly shifted as she saw David from the other day, she signaled him to the front door as she ran there as well.
“Hey kid, you’re the same boy from the other day being dragged by that woman?” Asked Becca.
“Yes Ma’am, she is my mother,” he responded in a grim tone with his eyes beaming towards the ground.
“Oh, that doesn’t seem alright. Does she always act that way? And oh, sorry, didn’t mean to be rude, my name is Rebecca, but you can just call me Becca. What is your name?” Said Becca.
“My name is David Becca, I just hoped you could help me get out of the dreaded house..” David pained eyes drifted towards Becca’s. “Please Becca, I absolutely beg of you.”
“I will gladly help you David, let me call up the police station and they will be able to get you out of the life of that woman.” Becca said back with a smile.
The police arrived shortly after the call, the scooped up David, he had a frightened, yet grateful look on his face. He was put into the passengers seat of the cruiser and slowly waved, tears streaming down his face, as he looked directly at Becca’s face. She stared back and waved as well. It was a good farewell and Becca knew what she had done was right, she smiled and returned the matters of her grandmother.

7 comments:

  1. hey buddy! FIRST COMMENT!!! nice story. it leaves room for development later, even though it's interesting enough as is. good job!! ^^
    p.s. my url is http://austenr9f.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. 1. The story made me feel sad. I remember the fat lady walking down the street throwing Dave. The concept that is going through my head is the abuse. The story made me think of the actual story of "A Child Called It".
    2. The dialogue between the two characters did not seem authentic, it seemed very short and bunched at the end of the story. The author could have distributed the dialogue more evenly.
    3. "The boy had pleading eyes and messy hair and stared straight into the window and Becca’s and the boy’s eyes met in a stare that seemed like it lasted ages. The gazing was broken as the boy was thrown 5 feet forward onto his face by the large woman". The thing that stands out with this section of the story is that boy being thrown onto the sidewalk, which is very gruesome.
    4. I think the bunching up of the dialogue could be problematic. Maybe the dialogue verbs could also be more detailed.
    5. Maybe you could use more vivid verbs, distribute the dialogue, and make the dialogue longer.

    ReplyDelete
  3. cool story bro, i thought it was thought out and a good read. it is strongly reflectave of a child called it. it shares the sames themes, and is not just a random fanfic.

    the diolauge seemed kinda botched. mabey it was just you rushing to finish the story, or mabey struggling to come up with ideas. i dont know, but it not the best.

    the thing that was my favorite was the discription of david. it is almost like you took the cover and based it on that. anyhow, it is very accurate, matching up with the acctual story.

    one thing i found distracting is one with most sories with david. it doesnt follow the plot of the book. i know it is hard to stay truefull, but exactly how does this tie in to the stories of the two?

    overall, the one thing i would fix would be the diolauge. make it a little more detailed, and use some more verbs, and your golden

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is the best story I've read so far. I feel kind of sad that David got beaten, but at the same time I feel happy because he got taken away from his mom. Throughout the essay the image of David getting thrown to the ground stuck in my mind. I was thinking about that the whole time.

    The conversation between the two characters is fairly developed. Also, the words they say seem real. How they said some things though just didn't seem to fit. For example: " 'Oh, that doesn't seem alright. Does she always act that way? And oh, sorry, didn't mean to be rude, my name is Rebecca, but you can just call me Becca. What is your name?' " That whole sentence just doesn't flow. To make it better you might want to wait until David answers the question before you have Becca apologizing for being rude.

    My favorite part of the story is at the end when David gets taken away from his mother. "He was put into the passenger's seat of the cuiser and slowly waved, tears streaming down his face, as he looked directly into Becca's face." I love this quote because it explains that he was happy because of Rebecca, yet he was sad to be taken away and it does that without saying that he was sad and happy.

    Your essay was very good with the plot and all that sense, but it seemed to lack proffreading. There were spelling errors, misuse of words and gramatical issues. For example in the twenty fourth line of the fourth paragraph use say "...much to his intent..." when it should be much to his content.

    In the future you might want to invest some time in proofreading. This would dramatically help your story. Also, consider decreasing the range in the lengths of you paragraphs just a little so it seems a little more organized.

    All in all I loved you story. IT WAS AWSOME!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I thought it was well written and well thought out. I think that it could use some more dialogue i felt like most of the story was narrative and descriptive. I can very well picture the printing company. There wasnt enough dialogue to tell whether the dialogue was authentic, but for the most part of what i saw it was really good when it came to dialogue. "The boy had pleading eyes and messy hair and stared straight into the window and Becca’s and the boy’s eyes met in a stare that seemed like it lasted ages." this is my facvorite part of the story. Ive been there before where you get caught in eye to eye contact with someone. But instead of thinking if they can get me away from my mother i think, oh i hope they dont think im a freak or have a staring problem. One thing i found distracting was some spelling mistakes i saw a couple that made me stop reading and try to figure out what you were trying to say. One bit of advice i would give is to add some more dialogue and some more rich vocabulary.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  7. well thought out story with great imagery. Cool details as well. I could really see your setting and characters interacting with one another. The dialog you did was good, but it could've been a little longer. You can never have enough detail!!! make your characters talk more.

    good job buddy!! ^^ i really liked your story!

    ReplyDelete